your hand is on my belt

an ode to my valentine's day...

2007-02-13T19:55:00.000-08:00

Just watch this. I love it. He really starts to run with it about 2 minutes in.

Happy Valentine's Day!

the true American Idol...

2007-01-30T18:02:00.000-08:00

As a tribute to the “new” season of American Idol, I have dedicated this blog to the one and only Paula Abdul. For years I defended her, touting her talent, her pop idol (no pun intended) status, etc. But Paula has made a few key blunders in the past couple of weeks. She has, for all intents and purposes, become a true freak. Sad, but true. Far are we from the days of “Straight Up” and collaborations with animated cats. So, to bring all of you up to speed I have compiled what I call the “P-dul Decline Timeline” (note the rhyming). Drumroll, please…

June 19th, 1962- In the same month where a record was set for home runs (54 by Roger Maris), the Beatles recorded “Besame Mucho” (sheer genius) and the first test run of a Hoovercraft was performed, a little girl named Paula Julie Abdul was born in San Fernando, California. Consider this day the high point of her life.

1969- Paula put on those tap shoes and started to dance. And boy, how those little feet could fly. She even got a scholarship to a tap dancing school. Wonder who she had to sleep with to get that. Oops, sorry… that was a little mean. And gross.

1979- Paula was one popular girl. Not only was she the captain of her cheerleading team at Van Nuys High School, but she was also class president. Nothing says success like being your class president. I think my senior class president ended up dropping out of college, moving to Colorado to ski and currently holds the world record for most joints smoked in an hour.

1980- Ms. Abdul graduated from high school and began attending Cal State, majoring in Radio and TV. But it wasn’t for her. Too many books. I hear that radio broadcasting textbook can also be used as an anchor. So she dropped out. Womp womp.

1980.5- Now without an education and the only thing to fall back on being her… umm, good looks… she began dancing with the LA Lakers Cheerleaders. Good for you, Paula, for not responding to those ads in the back of the paper that tell you to show up to an apartment with your resume and cute undies for a “film”. Or at least good move not telling anyone about it.

1984- Cue Paula’s big break. She was hired by the Jacksons to choreograph their video “Torture”. Thus began her virtual monopoly of the choreography world, including videos like Janet’s “Nasty” and “What Have You Done for Me Lately” (“Bitch, you was butt-ass naked on a zebra last month!”), ZZ Top’s “Velcro Fly” and Duran Duran‘s “Notorious“.

Mid 80s-2002: Paula vanishes. The world mourns. I, personally, think she was busy planning world domination. Or doing lines of coke off unsold copies of her cds.

June, 2002: The first season of “American Idol” airs. It was pitched to many a network, and they all passed on it thinking it would be a huge flop. Oh but wait, FOX sank to its usual standards and agreed to run it. (Too bad they didn’t have the same luck with “Reunion”, “Skating with Celebrities” or “The Rich List”) Suddenly, people all over the country were tuning in and saying: “wait… isn’t that what’s her face? Who did that video… the one with the cat?” Paula was then thrust back into the somewhat dim limelight she had once occupied. Paula was happy. Paula now had a lot more money. Paula could now do pretty much whatever the hell she wanted. And she did.

2003: Enter Corey Clark. Allegations flew about this American Idol2 contestant and his love affair with P-Dul. As he do poignantly noted: "If you were my age, and Paul 'fine-ass' Abdul was hitting on you... what would you do?" Well said, Corey. Paula, of course, saw it differently. "Don't screw me or you'll be sorry" she said. Of course, she did call him her "special friend". I think that's 80s pop star code for "drug dealer".

2007: FOX, in all its wisdom, figured putting Paula on every possible TV channel would be great PR. Shows you how wrong you can be. I think FOX was smoking the same thing David Hasselhoff was when he decided to put out an album. Soon, youtube was bustling with fantastic clips (like this one) of Paula in all her glory. Enjoy. Love the jacket, by the way. I feel like I'm riding along with Danny Bonaduce on the Partridge Family bus.

Today/future: Paula scrapes herself off the sidewalk she’s collapsed onto quickly enough to accept an offer to do a “Bratz” movie. In case you don’t know, Bratz are like Barbie’s ugly cousins who were nourished with a straight prenatal diet of barbiturates and Popov vodka and dropped on their face as soon as they exited the womb. They look a bit like lemur babies that were victims of a tragic cotton gin accident. Nonetheless they have achieved an enormous popularity, and the characters will soon be in a live-action movie starring the one and only P-Dul. I can’t wait. Apparently she’s going to talk about low self esteem, eating disorders, drugs, etc. Guess there’s no better place to get this than straight from the horse’s mouth. I hear Barbaro has a copy pre-ordered from Heaven Netflix.

"One" crappy jingle

2006-11-16T18:14:00.000-08:00

Jingles have become advertising's bread and butter. Numerous studies have shown the link between music and information retention (hello, ABCs). And come one, you know everytime the Empire Carpet ads are on the tv you sing along. Don't deny it. How else would everyone know to 1-800-588-2300 for carpet (and flooring) delivered next day?

Well, Bank of America has taken it to a new level. Most people are aware of their semi-recent gobbling up of smaller banking institutions, like MBNA and FleetBoston. Hooray, corporate conglomerates. Anyway, to celebrate their oh-so tactful takeover of the country's banks, a very passionate (some would say too passionate) employee did this:

Yep. Just let that wash over you. Like acid rain. I would love to here Bono's comments on this. Might even make him take off his sunglasses for once.

So now, everytime you use your trusty Bank of America card (after listening to this song by the way, I am never leaving Capital One. Never.), just repeat these lyrics and feel good about yourself:

"We'll make lots of money,
forever I can sing about
trust and teamwork,
and doing the right thing..."

By being a customer of Bank of America, you are helping the musical dreams of cubicle dwellers just like this guy flourish. Congrats.

better than a night at the planetarium...

2006-10-15T12:05:00.000-07:00

Ever been to a planetarium? Seen an hour-long light show that accompanies Pink Floyd's "Darkside of the Moon"? If not, you haven't lived. But for those of you that have been so unfortunate, there's hope now, and who would've guessed it would come from our dear friends at Glade. (Oops, I mean Glade®)

That's right, the high-ups at S.C. Johnson and Wax (didn't know they owned Glade®, did you?) have developed an ingenious, dare I say revolutionary, new product, the Glade® Plugins® Lightshow. This, umm, thing not only freshens your room with the smell of watermelon rush or berry burst (which are both part of the Fun and Flirty TM collection... and yes, it's trademarked), it also entertains you with a dazzling lightshow displayed on your wall. For a full demontration, visit their website.

I wonder what's next. Maybe a lamp that not only chops carrots but also criticizes you on your outfit? Or a toilet that plays "Singin' in the Rain" when you sit down? The possibilities are endles...

"Some people stand in the darkness..."

2006-10-09T17:36:00.000-07:00

"Afraid to step into the light.
Some people need to help somebody
When the edge of surrender's in sight...

Don't you worry,
It's gonna be alright.
Cause I'm always ready
I won't let you out of my sight."

If you don't know this song, shame on you. It is only the theme song of the best show in television history, and the most popular (that's actually true-- it's been dubbed into more languages than any show ever). That's right. BAYWATCH. For those of you whose childhood was sprinkled with shots of David Hasslehoff running down the beach, fantastic underwater rescues and seamless montages (in every episode... they didn't skimp), there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Like you, I have been living a life of quiet desperation, dreaming of the day when I could watch the love between Mitch and Jackie, Summer and Matt, and Shauni and Eddie bloom over and over. That's right, BAYWATCH is coming out on dvd.

October 30th will be the happiest day of my life.

I mean, who wouldn't want to watch this guy:

over and over...

If you can't wait any longer (and I don't blame you at all), you can get a fix playing this. Sure, its not the same, but I'll take what I can get.

So, if from October 30th to sometime in mid November you don't hear from me, I've barricaded myself in my apartment and am living on a steady diet of shiny muscles, bouncing boobs and string cheese.

driving mr. crazy

2006-10-02T17:08:00.000-07:00

Ok, so today, on my way back from an 11 hour day at work, I'm blissfully driving along 50 when this guy in the left-hand lane suddenly swerves into mine. To avoid him I have to swerve into the next lane. Anyone that knows me at all knows that at this point I'm pissed. So I gun it and sidle up to him only to find him just waking up. Yep, the moron fell asleep. So I, in all my glory, lean on my horn and yell "WAKE UP!" out the window. Well done, I thought. So, if you see a car like this:

with DC plates, feel free to ram his sleepy self into the next county.

Here goes it...

2006-09-29T07:14:00.000-07:00

So here goes my first post... forgive me for the inevitable...

The most disturbing thing I've read in a while... brace yourself...

If you haven't seen the fight between the racecar drivers, do yourself a favor and watch it now. Leave it to Ohio. I think I might jump through someone's windshield if I hear them talking about the ecoli spinach anymore. Ask yourself a question-- how many times a year do you actually each spinach? That's what I thought...

And lastly, a little something for my male friends...

And yes, that's Jessica Biel...